Why does certain criticism sting so much? I’ve come to believe that it’s often not for the reason we suspect.
When doing creative work, especially in public, you are essentially inviting feedback. I’ve said before that those who work in public are essentially painting a giant target on themselves, and thus must be willing to deal with the sting of the arrows. However, while I believe this to be true in principle, in practice it is often much more challenging.
For example: in the past week I’ve received precisely six eight emails from people telling me how much my books have impacted their lives. Each person shared their story about how something in one of the books changed their mindset or habits and enabled them to launch a business, get started on a long overdue project, or have a difficult conversation they’d been deferring. These emails always fuel my fire and help me stay grounded in why I do what I do.
Also in the past week, Die Empty has received exactly five reviews on Amazon, three of them fairly negative. I normally don’t care about reviews that much, but if I’m honest, these stung a bit. I’ll explain why in a moment.
So, which of these two inputs do you think I focused on more over the past week – while on airplanes traveling between five cities to give talks – the positive or the negative feedback? You can probably infer that I spent a lot more time obsessing on the negative feedback than the positive.
As I mentioned above, I’ve uncovered why these three pieces of negative criticism hit a little too close to home for me. The reason is that they each spoke to an insecurity I have about my own work, which amounts to a chink in my armor. Their arrows found a gap in my defenses.
One of the critiques mentioned something akin to “why should I listen to this guy?” I’ve written in both of my previous books about the struggle many of us have with imposter syndrome, or the fear of being uncovered as essentially “faking it”. It doesn’t matter how accomplished you are in life and work, it’s likely that you will continue to struggle with this insecurity as you strive to find your voice and create impact. (In their most vulnerable moments, several accomplished and well-known business leaders and artists have confided this to me.)
A second critique was that Die Empty contained “nothing new”. Again, one of the limiting narratives that plays in my mind fuels a fear of rehashing old territory and being an imitator. While I obviously disagree with the criticism, the arrow still stings.
So at the heart of the sting are two narratives:
Who are you to be writing this?
and
You’re just an imitator.
As I considered why the negative reviews stung so much, everything revolved around these two false narratives. Somewhere in my mind, these two limiting beliefs (or outright lies) were causing me to fixate on criticism at the expense of receiving encouragement.
Which leads me to this question: have you ever considered why certain forms of criticism sting you more than others? Do you respond with more anger, defensiveness, or aggression with certain types of feedback than with others?
If so, it could be that there is some form of limiting narrative or embedded belief/fear that is lurking just beneath the surface, waiting for an opportunity to pounce.
Here’s an experiment I’d like to propose:
1. Pay attention to your response to critique and feedback over the coming week. If it suits you, perhaps even write each piece of feedback down.
2. More importantly, see if you can identify why that feedback elicited such a strong response in you. Is it possible that there is some defining story that’s affecting your engagement?
3. If you can spot some beliefs/narratives, consider how else they might be playing out in your life and work. Are they affecting the choices you make, the opportunities you seek, or your relationships? Is so, how?
It’s often not the circumstances we learn from, but our response to them. Identifying limiting narratives or patterns of self-destruction can help us spot them when they crop up, then nip them before they cause us to implode or obsess needlessly over critique.
So… I’ve shared a few of my limiting beliefs. Are you willing to share one of yours?
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Todd – thanks for sharing. As someone who thrives on input and feedback, I *mostly* welcome it. As I’m starting my own business (coaching and consulting), I’ve received feedback lately that I need to leave the comfort of my home and computer, and go out into the world and present my work in person. This feedback hit close to home – the feeling that I’m not doing enough or even the right stuff to market my services. The limiting beliefs are “nobody will take you seriously,” “you’re too young and inexperienced to go after organizations for business,” and “you’re not an expert and need to get more experience under you belt before you go after bigger gigs.” I’m working towards finding the courage to go for the bigger gigs. Thanks, as always, for what you share with the world – I always find your work and thoughts inspiring and incredibly useful to get me moving.
Thanks for this, Todd. I often find myself in disbelief over having to slay the same old dragons of insecurity. It’s just remarkable how easily they can render my (decades of) experience ineffective when they shout “imposter!”… “failure!” As someone who creates week in week out, I’ve at least arrived at what I believe is a realization: that these discouraging voices are unavoidable “trolls” I must invariably wrestle with on practically every creative pursuit. Thanks to voices like yours, however, along with Pressfield, Godin, and Brené Brown, it’s a much better informed and encouraged pursuit. Thanks again, Todd, for all the great nourishment you bring us!
Hi Todd–I think you’ve touched on fears that are universal to creatives. I agree with you that the criticisms that release a self-analysis cascade are the ones that tap into powerful negative scripts, usually ones we learned early in life. I recently finished a book called “The Undefeated Mind” by Alex Lickerman, and I really appreciated an insight that he shared about pain. He wrote that it’s not pain that we fear in life as much as we fear our inability to handle that pain. In other words, instead of avoiding painful criticism by not putting myself out there, I choose to accept that criticism is inevitable, and I focus on building resilience. The best way to rewrite those negative scripts is to show myself that they aren’t true.
Nice job, Todd. It’s takes a lot of guts to face your insecurity in public, but you’ve done so in a way that also gives us a reason to face ours. That’s not easy, but it is incredibly valuable, so thank you.
Keep up the good work. You’ve inspired me for years, and I’m finally taking action on that inspiration. So far it’s just a website and a handful of posts, but I’ve got a fairly clear vision of what I WANT it to be. Hopefully I can beat back my insecurities enough to keep it going.
Cheers, and don’t let your demons shout down the better angels in your brain.
Reminds me to reread the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling. What it says about trusting yourself, triumph and disaster, truth, lies … heck, the whole damn thing. You can rise above self-doubt. You can decide to not internalize the darts and arrows. It’s not easy, and sometimes perhaps we should just allow ourselves time to be angry (maybe set a timer?). But one of my teachers used to say that the greatest sin in the world is feeling sorrow for yourself. That was both hard to hear and incredibly freeing at the same time.
Thanks for your candid response to these things, Todd. Really appreciate the fact that you’ve shown a very identifiable thing! I totally get the response to criticism when you read something and you think, ‘exactly!’ The arrow permeates the tiny gap. Thanks for sharing.
Todd, great article as usual.
As a regular reader, hopefully one more piece of positive affirmation will help. Your books, writing and podcast have truly helped shape my life and continue to with every new piece of work you put out. Keep it up!
On the criticism piece, I hit that same struggle. Sometimes I cringe when I see something negative almost afraid to read it. At times, there is legitimate criticism which I try to take and use to improve, but sometimes it just hurts.
You posted on this a while back, and I have heard Seth mention it as well but the simple concept of “It’s not for you” keeps me sane when I hit criticism. When someone replies negatively, I just remind myself that it wasn’t for them.
Thanks for the great post Todd.
Hi Todd,
One of my limiting beliefs is that my paintings aren’t really worth the price I sell them for.
The other is that they aren’t as good as they should be.
It’s an ongoing battle. The days that I sell my work are good days, though.
Thanks for this post
Cheers,
Kyle Vincent Thomas
http://www.kylevthomas.com
Interesting topic to raise. I have wondered before why people like that critique folks like you who try to put their beliefs in words on behalf of those interested are all of sudden becoming so exposed. It’s like stepping out in the light and sharing something of one’s own was not a good deed but an act of selfishness imposed on others. And thus soliciting all kinds of – even pretty much out of proportion – feedback from people who never could or would share such ideas, beliefs, whatever. Why the sharpness of tone totally escapes me when there was none to begin with coming from your side. Why not be happy that there is someone being able to voice some interesting ideas and share them with whoever wants to listen. Maybe one point is that you get cudos from people you have interviewed or reviewed yourself. And that might look a bit self serving in the end…